Occasional musings
I once liked to amuse myself by inserting that such self into the countless narratives of society, until I realized the truth. Now I only recount tales from the altered mind, of what once was. But even then, I do still enjoy this mindless indulgence every once in a while. In writings, we use the mind and in the mind, we learn the truth. We rehearse and repeat, and there we follow the cycle. Observe and learn. Remember the vicious cycle that holds all of us in captivity, a delusion of freedom. And just as we begin that cycle, everything here is written in oblivion.
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established notions yet forgettable simple simplicities, as they stand - Nov.26.25: it's been a while since i lasted blogged on here. for most if not all of you, this will appear as my first ever time doing so on this particular website version, and let's keep it that way. i adapted too much comfortability with the internet; passing a good 4 months without it has taught me to resort back to what all humans are granted at birth. peace of one's own mind, even if society and our mental magic may not allow us to feel that way. but no matter, my purposes are absolute with this website—i lost track of what this website is and means to me. i allowed myself to be fogged by needing somewhere to escape to, without realizing all i needed to do was get off my phone. in the same way people endlessly throw themselves into any random social circles just for any semblances of societal value, i didn't realize i was sort of doing the same thing i always preached against. in reality, i was never truly aware of the problem. many people around me weren't and are still not aware of this problem... that affected me quite deeply, as you can see. i want to set a clear defintion that that notion, in itself, is what this website is all about. similarily, i saw another speak on this issue. these websites are personal and they always will be, that can never be negated, but surely we all have personas we share with the world. nothing is ever truly personal. in my eyes, art is always a statement. vulnerability should not be and is nothing crazy, but unfortunately society is not perfect. not even close. i want this website to represent something greater than just me, especially the "me" of a certain moment, i want it to represent an essence of my being. what the internet means to me, why it means what it does; essentially, a time capsule of my exposure of and to the media. it consumes a huge part of my life, if not almost all. everyday, nostalgia continues to keep me captive as i beg for any sort of melody that reminds me of the ones i heard throughout my childhood. that sad idea, the one that is willingly craving what you know were the worst moments of your life, describes the internet to me. although the internet is nothing different from any social interactions in person (if we're genuinely going to be honest), the internet contains archives, it brings a much different experience to the latter. because now instead of memories and/or bad explanations, you can truly relive the moments that you miss. you can truly relisten to the music as it came. it brought such an unneeded view but it still brought one regardless. when i think of my website i think of all those things. im tired of seeing the internet as just another place to be (another school, another house, another work, etc). the idea that i must be "myself", authentically and genuinely at all and any given moments, is scary. as an individual with ocd but too large an imagination for the average human being, i feel a desparate need to show what i know truly makes me me. i ask myself whenever i create these websites, does this website represent the reason for which i even came to neocities in the first place when i could've js stayed on carrd or rentry? and i find it impossible to answer such a question. in fact, i can't even find it written anywhere on the website. as i stated before, i truly let my mental madnesses (an even bitterer brew more powerfully conjured by those depressingly held captive by society) allow me to forget why i even care about self expression in the first place. it's almost as i forgot why i spent so many years in anger as i did (and still do, quite honestly). so once again, this website is still obviously an extension of its creator but my online character was and is something made up of so many other people and stories and countless other ideas/notions that inspired me or simply broke apart my raw nature, my blank canvas gifted by the happenings of birth, but unlike where and who we are in the flesh, i get to choose just who all of you get to see or what i get to provide to the world. although the internet is tragically beautiful, it's still beautiful regardless. yes, a lot more bad than good has comeforth from such a creation and it has had its effects on my mind and life, for that i cannot deny, but still a good has appeared. a lesson to be learned, even with anything and everything. i want this website to represent all of my time on here, and how my in-person person even ended up the way they did—how they even came to be here and how the internet has worked closely alongside my miserable days. i don't just want to share a website with a countless number of people because i am bored but because i have an art to create; i have something to state. for someone who's never had the chance to defend what they so-passionately believed in, this online world has opened so many doors to a voice (even if still, i am not granted the one i've always wanted) and i want to use that voice. i guess, simply put, i want to share with the whole world my own vulnerability. in a larger message than just this website, i believe that is truly the only way we can work towards a more emotionally intelligent, united people as that of what we should be. only i can become the closest to what i see myself and this world as and i have devoted my life to a life of creation; i want to create the world in which i see because only i have the power to do just that. the internet, yes an extension of the world, but it is not truly the world we live in and i think that is something i can use beautifully, artistically to my advantage. i dont just want to let myself become another person in the crowd, essentially. to represent something i hold so dear, i forgot the internet was practically my home for such a long 9 years and holds, and is a large reason for, the very essence of my debilitating reminiscence. i forget i am not just the person people meet me as or choose to believe is truly me because of who i am (or present to be, at least) in that very moment, but something much grander than words can describe. so when i create this website, i am not only sharing myself but an experience with you all. so in short, this version is destined and is only as fleeting as the person i was when i made it. i plan to do something new, hopefully soon, but i cannot and will not promise things i cannot keep up. all i know is that something new will come from me at some point, something i've wanted to do for a long time too; not just when i wrote this entry lol. i already have missed my blonde hair for quite some time since i've done this so uncharacteristic haircut but like all messages in bottles, they must swim at sea. i hope we can all work towards more historical futures, even if only for ourselves—is all of what i hope for anyway.
sacred light - bl8m |
Skyline
The pinnacle
When the mind has reached its climax, there is little to no way to express those emotions. To humanity, complexity is impossible but not in this world. In this world we know freedom and expression, no matter how little of sense it makes. When we reach the pinnacle, we must create. We must express but not only express, we must embrace. And everybody will know my words.