Occasional musings
I once liked to amuse myself by inserting that such self into the countless narratives of society, until I realized the truth. Now I only recount tales from the altered mind, of what once was. But even then, I do still enjoy this mindless indulgence every once in a while. In writings, we use the mind and in the mind, we learn the truth. We rehearse and repeat, and there we follow the cycle. Observe and learn.
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delved in desperate depression - Aug.5.25: (tw: mentions of suicidal ideation and masturbation) picking songs for the entries keeps getting insanely difficult.. i really havent been listening to much music and when i do i dont end up caring for it or its just. well, weird. and not a likable weird. these past days have just been depressing tbh, theres not much else i could say. idk what it is but it almost feels like everything is just hitting me all at once and its like god or smth is sending me signs but also warnings but also all positive at the very same time. ive been able to work more on writing and drawing a bit for what its worth but all my energy i had for those few days just left me and now im back to square one. so square one in fact i have an ultrasound tmrw (bc the meds were increasing my testosterone whatever and whatnot) and ive been hoping and praying they tell me its the worst possible thing it can be. idk but ive felt like this for a while but i just feel so ready to be taken away, i just cant wait until the day nobody expects anything me not that they ever did but the day i dont expect anything of myself and i can just rightfully waste it away daydreaming, ive been napping more and more lately because i think my constant periods have become a little serious and ive just been taking advantage of all that bc its just gotten to such a point, idk what else to do. im slowly but surely turning into a figment of some of my worst nightmares and i grow older everyday, i dont know how to stop it the only place i can turn to for comfort is my own head, the way its always been. and really and truly, i was such a fool to let myself believe eitherwise. and i know i just have to keep trying to get better and better myself but it all feels so impossible and the more and more i realize it, i realize how truly alone in this world i am and again, it all just feels really impossible. and im just so, so tired of being told that its my own fault for why i continue to be like this like its not my fault everyone sucks and truly, how the hell am i supposed to know what i want in others if i cant even know what i want for myself? like ugh! it all just pisses me off, horribly and everything around me only seems to get worse. like im really seeing the effects the medication did to me. yea its something stupid but i used to be able to feel sexual pleasure whenever i would touch myself and now that feeling is just completely gone. i thought it was because i grew so much shame around it but now ive become more open to it and it hurts me because i cant feel it like i used to. its really funny because i got exactly what i wanted but everytime i think of that, i wonder if i ever really felt that sexuality to begin with. i think about how forced it felt even back then and the moments i did it even when i didnt want to and it just hurts more than anything. it all just boils down to who am i truly and i try to find answers but it always ends up the same. it always ends with me being victim to my ocd, my impulusivity and my anger. i sometimes i go back to wondering if ocd, adhd and depression is truly all my issues. it feels like something so much deeper in me thats waited its whole life to just burst out and idk, it just all feels really confusing. i just want to be free of this place and the people i see everyday. those who dont understand me and those who dont even try. i just want to truly be on my own so then maybe i can experience what true loneliness feels like and not the child and or its iilegitimate son. i want to fully be on my own and make my own choices and be my own person, more than anything ive wanted that my whole life and nobody seems to understand what im going through. idk whats so confusing about it and idk why the answer is always to go make friends or connect with my family when all my life thats what ive done and everytime it amounts to nothing. at this point, i would prefer a soul trip and just live the american dream lol. and the situation hasnt gotten any better with my sister, im trying to ignore her more and more but i just feel so trapped i feel like i have no other choice. i just hate it, everything really. and dont even get me started, i start school in a few days and they havent released whos in each class yet and by every might god has, im hoping i have classes with nobody who knows me. i just want to be by myself but i know that hoping doesnt do anything because i know god doesnt like me very much. i just want to be out of here, again i just want the freedom to make my own choices and not feel guilty for them. i think maybe then i can learn to love my life fully and maybe even love the people around me. or who knows, maybe i can learn something society has never expected of me and i can finally be my own person. all in all, no matter the outcome, i just cant wait to finally live my own life away from all the horrible things i once knew and unfortunately, is all i know now.
chemtrails over the country club - lana del rey |
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remembering the blues - Aug.2.25: (tw: suicidal ideation) its quite funny cuz i wasnt planning on writing here today, tbh ive been avoiding anything on my computer ive even took to finally making animatics which is something i never thought would ever actually happen (hence the hamilton song attached, ive grown back into my broadway era too good lord). its always been a dream of mine to animate my favorites to songs i like and ive been without the internet so ive come to think why not do something worth while? itll cost me time and effort but i have plently unwasted potential to spare as i have spent most of my time doing nothing so again, why not use that time doing at least something i like, even if it isnt developing a new hobby as i had originally planned. i think leaving the internet (as i have mentioned quite a lot on here these past weeks) had made me forget things i had learned before i had went on it. although ive been on my socials for like my entire conscious life so i learned a lot of my life lessons through it, ig it became a lot more serious than i had thought as of late and now leaving it is like im relearning so much, i wonder just how bad school will feel like. and the main thing i have seemed to remember is just how much i hate my family and opening my eyes to how horrible and honestly abusive they are. i hate to say that because for the most part i dont want to call my own sister, who i considered a best friend, that but its the truth and i cant hide from it any longer. how do you expect to just take the role of mother in my life when you've never been there for me ever before? ive felt my whole life ive had to protect you because of your own idiocy and now you just want to act like youve never been an idiot? like if youre not some unemployed low life who has nothing to your name? all youve ever done is downplay everything i went through before, claimed you knew me better than myself, and now you want to act all supportive and caring? what a bitch, all you are is a monster just like our parents, you're nothing different, you're nothing more or nothing less and im tired of acting like im in the wrong for feeling my own feelings. im tired of acting like im in the wrong for seeing the truth, but thats not so different from what our parents tell us now is it? and all youve ever done is go and say that youre a good person and that you never have bad intentions but ive seen them and all you want to do is make yourself feel better at the end of the day so you can excuse all your horrible actions. ive become a monster of my own because of you and i bet you wouldnt even take responsibility for that, you will claim it was our parents and i wont fully say you're lying but how could it be our mother's fault when she was never there? unlike you whos always made me feel bad about the person i became, and made me believe that person i repressed was someone i actually wanted to be. to the point that now its became so apart of me i cant let it go no matter how much i try. im so tired of pretending that not all of you guys are the problem, that your sick hero fantasies arent problems too, that you guys actually care. its all to make you guys feel better and idc if thats not your "real" intention, thats what it shows. stop trying to be my mother, she's not there for mr and i never cared about that for a reason. stop trying to make me this perfect human you couldnt be. i will not live your life, i will never be you and i dont care what i have to do to prove that. i dont care how many people i have to hurt, i will always be my own person and i will do anything, even ruin my own name to prove that. im so sick of the feeling i have that i owe you something like if you've ever shared anything with me. all a complete mystery so you could be perfect at least in someone's eyes. youre sick, you always have been and until you stand up and exit my life out of your own will, the best choice for the 3 of us, you will never be a good person. youre sick and stuck in the same patterns you were placed in, not too different from the woman who hates you most. its the funniest thing, you're just like her and you dont even realize it, or more so you dont want to admit it. i know the monster i am but hey, at least im aware of it. you cant remove your own blood, its disgusting cells coarse through your veins, never to be reversed, never forget that for all you are is a byproduct of the two worst people this god has ever created and all it ever does is show in you, you can never escape. no matter how much you try. and it hurts me so much because i know deep down all i ever become is more and more like you. i cant wait til the day im finally free of you, the day i see you no longer, its like you haunt me because our parents couldnt haunt me enough. like if they didnt haunt me enough. and all it will ever be is sickening because once again, look at the monster ive become all to differentiate myself from you. let my ocd take me over, and i cant even tell it no. but all you ever do is try to repress it and tell yourself you have control over me. youre a monster nobody could love not even the people youve forced so hard to feel that for you. sometimes i wish i could die, just so i could make you all suffer. for at least my life will have a purpose that isnt staying in this house for the rest of my sad days, just a creation with the sole purpose to make all you sick human beings feel better. i will remind you all just how truly horrible you guys are and you all will live your sad days regretting my existence and the ways you treated me. i hope youre happy, i cant even think of myself outside of your lives. i cant even imagine a universe where i get to be happy without spite. and its all so unfair. even now, i might make a choice that ill regret forever but i feel so inclined to make it, as if it called to me. i could never win and i hate it. i will always be a spare piece of wood and i hate it. those without family dont know how lucky they are. those without people who are only created to ruin them dont know who special they are. would i do anything to see them all erased and or away from me, until that day i will never know freedom. what i feel like i owe is so much more greater than me all i ask for is freedom and even i hesitate at the sight of it. all because of your sick ways, look at who i am now. an outcast from society, an awfuk person just like those i fear. but before i rant on that any longer, thats what ive been feeling. just so much anger its as if it was coming back to me. i just thank god everyday im closer and closer to the age of freedom and getting the fuck out of this horrible place. all ive ever wanted and it might just happen. but i wouldnt mind dying first to be honest with you, i think that thouhgt has always been on my mind since the day i was born. and im tired of being told so many lies from so many people. i just want to feel happy, for once. and i know i must do that alone, truly alone. no friends, no family. just me and my rotten hand, as disgusting as it many seem.
satisfied - hamilton |
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reasons for repression - Jul.28.25: (tw: mentions of suicidal ideation) i love quoting her because it truly has been a long time coming and the very notion scares me. i was planning on writing this in blogger but blogger was so last week so even though this wont really be like a daily checkup, i just need somewhere to rant as ive stated many times before and might as well use the blog i mostly created with my own two hands (and i seem to like very much so far since i havent even thought about changing it but no matter that) even if i really im not in the mood to do so, i have to because theres no other choice. ive been feeling so conflicted lately tbh idek what i feel, like its such a mix of emotions. for a long time i had assumed it was normal, for another long time but a few years shorter i rounded up all my problems to adhd and depression then i got confirmation the depression was, well, quite serious but for some reason i didnt want to truly believe it and moving to the present day now i know i have ocd which also plays a huge factor into my illnesses aside from the depression and maybe it all makes sense to anyone else, any other sane individual, but i could never fathom how this happens to me everytime and how im constantly taken victim to my own illnesses. i cant lie, im starting to feel quite depressed again. i sit with my actions, i admit i never want to change i feel like a horrible person yet im so young it would just sound incredibly ridiculous to anyone else. it even brings me discomfort to confront it with a professional like my therapist for example but i know its an addiction, an obsession and its eating at me whole. and i hate it because it makes me sit and wonder, will everything just end up this way? does it always have to end up this way? does everything always have to become a byproduct, a visual representation of all my trauma? could i never truly love like god intended? will i always become so horribly obsessed it will just ruin everything ive ever known? every friend ive had, every connection ive made, every thing i possibly love? and these questions sit with me because its all so conflicting because in some point i know this is healthy and healing for me but i also know i cant fight my illnesses alone and they will overcome me as they always have. i even think about going back to social media and all i catch myself doing is sleeping and daydreaming now its like what was even the purpose of leaving in the first place? how could i have made such a drastic change in my life just to end up in the same miserable place i was before? friendless and alone and no communication to the world i feel a bit like a mad man but i dont want to regret my impulsive actions. i want to make something good out of them however i can but i have no energy, its something much greater than me, its like i have no control. and all i feel is headaches, sick to my stomach, sweaty, weak and deary and i dont know how to stop this. sometimes i hope i am dying so this could all be over soon and i can finally rest in peace but its not even that i negate that as the answer, i just know it will never happen until i am truly happy. nothing bad will never truly happen to me until god knows he can take my life source again and drain me clean as if he were the devil. and its sick and cruel because this was never what i wanted but i was too young to even decide, now im just left to figure it all out for the first time. at 15 years now nearing 16, i feel like i have to start anew and even though, yes i am young, its truly not enough. why did life feel like there was nothing left for me? and why does life still continue to feel that way? its like if life meant nothing, its like life is not beautiful in and of itself. its like if the universe was not such a vast and large place filled with infinite possibilites of things to discover. it acts like if ive even done half of the things ive planned to in my lifetime. and its just saddening because how in the world am i supposed to continue this way? i want to be a human who made a difference, who had an impact, its such a simple thing and not even i have the energy to fulfill it and whenever ive tried or have gotten close, somehow, it ends magically for me. most of those times being self sabotage but i really think on it and was it truly? did anyone ever care? it just leaves me to think, was there ever hope for me in the first place? will i truly become all that i fear? and those questions keep me up at night, every single night even if im not thinking about it because i know in my heart the end is near and a large part of me hopes its the end of me whole. i dont want to continue on living if ill just spend all my days in constant anguish. even if i have to experience hell and back at least i would have experience something and thats better than experiencing absolutely nothing every day. all i ever get to feel is depressed and bored and its wasting away all my young days.
turn ya head - heidi montag |
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growth - Jul.21.25: (tw: mentions of porn, masturbation and incestous sexual trauma) im updating this so regularly im running out of songs to attach lol. ive had to just put songs im thinking of atm, i really havent been listening to music or indulging much in my hobbies i think its js cuz of me having to adjust to a life without bedrotting, im used to waking up and spending so many hours scrolling and then working on my hobbies for a few hours then continuing to scroll when the day is near to over. ive spent my time now working on the website and doing some summer cleaning, something ive been meaning to do for a while is clean out my pics which is what i spent today and yesterday doing and i went from 70k all the way down to 14k! honestly i regret deleting so much but most of my pics were reaction and potential profile pictures so i just got rid of it all and like thank god. and i only have that much because ive had that collected from summers ago since ive been so busy wasting my fucking time, every summer i tell myself ill delete them and i never do. and i feel like im making my leave from social media such a big deal but i practically grew up on there so its a pretty big shift of my life and its honestly been really freeing. but aside from that i also have been thinking about how freeing its been since ive opened up about my trauma to my therapist and sisters. those two together, both the break and dealing with trauma have been soo healing for me. and its honestly been kinda funny because the way ive been healing is welcoming my sexuality again. i think ive just spent so much of my life trying to prove that i wasnt what people thought of me and although many of those opinions of me werent really based on how i actually acted but more of those people's insecurities, i think ive just grown to a point in my life where i have learned to shut down even my own insecurities. i used to be accused of being a porn addict in middle school (lol) and i used to be so scared because my ocd would make me believe those people knew my deepest darkest secrets and the fact that i used to masturbate really young because of my trauma and i just became so scared of becoming victim to my trauma i didnt even realize i am a person outside of that, i have feelings and thoughts outside my trauma and it doesnt define me. like last post, im not really articulating what im trying to say properly which i also hope is something i can work on during my leave but yea, im not really saying it how i believe it but its just so many feelings combined its hard to write them out. i guess its just weird being outside of a space where i constantly felt like i was being watched and followed to moving into a space where i feel freeier than i ever had before. and it still scares me bc yk, what if this is just my ocd talking but i think this time i can grow from it even if that is such case. i always tell myself that but i feel like i have the capability to work towards a better future for myself and to work towards something that makes me happy. i think ill always feel like a failure i think ill always feel like i let others down like if i didnt exceed their expectations, or even my own but at this point i think ive just grown not to care and honestly im proud of that because boy, have i just gone through so much lmao. i think ive gotten to a point in my life where i just want to look forward to the next day and not expect so much from myself, even if that "freeier" version of myself is being a massive pervert lol. its honestly not the route i wouldve choose for myself but i really think about it and i wonder to myself, what route did i really want? i always thought i knew so much about myself but i believed just knowing what i wanted my future career to be was knowing everything about myself. like ive never truly had a sense of self, i was so young and i just blame school and society for all really. but yea, its just so much i feel its hard to articulate and its also hard to realize but its mostly freeing. i know im always told to make connections and be as close to others as i can and even though ive always welcomed it, i think distancing myself from people that suck is always the best choice i could make and even if i always feel incredibly lonely after the fact, i alwas tend to look back and really appreciate those moments for what they are. i always tend to appreciate the growth ive done during those times and seeing that this time is one of those, i cant wait to see my growth from here to maybe 2 years in the future, whenever it is decide to go back to social media. i always am looking forward to a day where i dont even feel the need to go back or the day i dont even find myself bedrotting at all and i actually have the motivation to work on my hobbies and not to the point where i burn myself out but to the point where i feel accomplished in my day and im happy with the time spent. i know none of this wont ever really happen until i move out of my parents house but i think leaving social media was the big step towards this in an environment where i cant really do much. i see my therapist in a few days from writing this and i cant wait to tell her about my growth, even if very little. i think ive done good for myself and i feel good about it too. i find myself focusing on things i lost sight of and it feels really nice also it feels nice not to think so much about that guy i used to like, or the people i met in school and finally look back on the trauma ive experiences, especially with my dad and not feel so confused anymore. i finally understand myself better and i dont feel so guilty for doing things that bring me pleasure like masturbating for example lol, i dont feel like im giving in. i feel like im healing and accepting it as something fun and pleasurable. and i continue to indulge in drawing porn, which has been fun for the most part. its a little difficult cuz im knowledgable on the subject (not by choice unfortunately) but not the most knowledgable so its really just me learning some things for the first time but i think this time its in a safer, not-forced environment. i dont feel pressure to learn these things to fit in and understand my "friends" and im not told these things by force even when i say i dont want to so "jokes" can be funny. dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with sexuality but growing up with hypersexuality (that i also believe is genetic as well) and ocd (that i know is genetic, not really know either, but i know lol) it was really hard to escape the thoughts and it still is, im still working on morals and etiquette but im growing with it and again, this time theres no pressure. once again again, its freeing and its fun. it feels good to feel these thoughts and its not that dirtiness thats felt right after i indulge in it. ive also been using this time to learn more about trans surgeries and just about my own transness in general, which is something i also wished i was more knowledgable on. not that that has to do anything with sexuality but i mention it bc ive mostly been learning this to draw and write better porn lmfaoo. which is not easy btw, the writing part at least. ive also been having issues with writing like i used to as well which is just like *big sigh* but we live and we laugh i guess. its just. a lot of things and again, i really feel like im mentioning it a lot but it is quite a big deal for me and i hope to really grow during this time. life really is about growth and evolution and those are things i really love even incorporating it into my art, very fun haha. well ill go for now before i repeat myself over and over. its been fun writing on here and even on blogger, i think im getting the hang of expressing my thoughts fluently which is greatt, love that for myself.
lust for life - lana del rey |
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life has been. - Jul.17.25: (tw: mentions of porn) life has been, not so eventful really but i did manage to scratch some things off my imaginary bucketlist these past weeks although those things are things im not the most proud to admit lol. i started to dabble a bit myself in the art of drawing porn, specifically gay porn which i know isnt too crazy to say on neocities but it does feel crazy for me. i guess you can consider future career practice lol. i was having issues with experiencing sexual pleasure, which was something i experienced quite frequently but i ended up finding out that had to do with my medication, which im planning to stop taking soon. its been destroying me with irregular periods and it hasnt been allowing me to sleep due to having like this overall restless and honestly, im just tired of trying so many medications and none of them working and then when they do work, its only for a short period of time. and then having my family act overly concerned about me in every ascept (you either have my mom telling me to stop taking it because i could become "addicted" apparently and then you have my sister warning me about every side effect ever from people on reddit. ridiculous i know) is just really annoying. i really dont like my family talking to me, number one but i mostly dont like my family acting concerned about me. i think ive stated it too many times on here to count but its just very complicated with them and oh yeah, now my dad's in on it, like if it couldnt get any worse. but whatever it is what it is. ive been coping with my.. art :) i wanted to start posting stuff on blogger? blogspot? not sure but i wanted to start posting on there but google doesnt allow porn on there so i gave up on that (i still might post on there tho, just rants about random things i cant fit onto here, not sure if ill share the link back to here though, i need some privacy for a while lol) which brings me to the fact that i deleted all my social medias. crazy thing for me to be honest. i started developing a twitter addiction and i cant manage to get myself to work on anything else like any of my hobbies and whatnot so i just deleted all my accounts entirely. but my main problem was instagram, it always has been. idk what it is about instagram that is just so toxic to be on there for me. i used to have a spam account where i overshared. a little too much but then that got taken down by instagram (which i really felt the effects of during may of this year lol) and then after that i started a new spam account not too shortly after but it just got to such a point. i relied too much on sharing on there and i just started to rmbr all the memories of so many years that i lost because instagram just felt like taking down my account and i just couldnt anymore so i deactivated it. i used to have another main art account before my spam account that i also ended up being inactive on but i kept it around, scared i would lose the history and whatnot then i made a school account seperate from my cringe (lol) and i just found myself checking and checking every day, after day for the business of people i do not give 5 fucks about and again, it really just got to such a point. i guess being on there since i was so young like 8 or 9 years old, i think its time i retire lol. so i deactivated all my accounts and honestly idec if i lose all my information, i dont even use those accounts anyway and i have most of my artwork backed up from procreate so at this point, its no big deal. i have like literally no friends on any of my social medias so there was nothing else i left behind. i plan to take a good 1-2 year break, like by the time i become a legal adult and just focus on my hobbies and really take this time to focus on my art without feeling the need to post it and share it online. i still want to share it on here though and on social media again some point in the future, i do plan to make a career out of art but i just couldnt anymore. i think it was best for me that i left the internet entirely. i only really have like 4 more years left of schooling before i hopefully go to university and again, i just really want to take this time to hone my potential and not just waste it bedrotting on twitter lol. i feel like i really lost sight of what made me special but not just that, i lost sight of what really mattered to me like art and my hobbies and connecting with the world in a silent way, you know. i always spent my time looking out the window, really taking in the view (even if it isnt the prettiest lol) and overhearing others around me that now i just spend so much time on my phone ive even forgotten what my own city looks like and not to sound like one of those old people, but its true and they have a point sometimes. its important to appreciate the beauty of life and not be so dependent on others online and their opinions. im not really articulating what i feel properly and its really making me sound like a boomer but you know, we live and we laugh i guess. i just want to rid myself of the internet and the need to oversatisfy and constantly feel down because i dont produce as quickly as other people or that i dont have the same skills as other people, you know that sorta thing. and oh, i dont even get me started with how utterly friendless i felt when being on the internet. i never really cared for friends and honestly, i dont really care for that in person but on the internet everyone is faceless and seems so cool, you forget its just a bunch of people just like you. although i hate people really bad irl, i appreciate that because it really makes me appreciate how much value being by myself. i get to really appreciate what i offer and how much i could offer even if its very little and idk personally to me, i make better connections and experiences in person. although one of my very best friends was online i just feel like im really who i am in person and i want it to stay that way, i just feel like thats more important. that i feel comfortable everytime i look in the mirror or that i priotize showering and brushing my teeth as much as possible then just being on the internet all day where i cant even tell anyone my real age. its simple things like that that i guess have affected me a lot over the years and im just practically repeating myself at this point but uhm, yeaa im finally free! lmaoo. ill probably end up working on this site a little more during these next few months now that i literally have nothing else to do (its become so boring without my phone, truly) which im excited to finally finish it, at least this version after so long of not being able to decide on a good layout but anyways, i have officially lost my train of thought (as per usual) and i plan to continue drawing for today and also updating my super secret not totally in your face site of mine that you should totally go around to see if you find it if you probably havent already.. because oh boy, do i have some things to say now that i have no connection to anyone from school anymore and probably wont for a while! how exciting, i know the depression will come kicking in soon haha. anyways im going to end this here, lets see what i plan to do about blogger and i cant wait to start sharing my art on here. i wont be opening an 18+ section until i turn 18 (crazy, i know) if anyone was looking for that lmao, i am just practicing after all and it is mostly for coping purposes (also crazy, i know) but that wont be too long from now so expect that from me soon! i also have to practice coloring and finding a coloring style i like, which is a whole other thing in itself. but whatever, only time will tell i guess. bye. for now......
cum n cocaine - bj lips |
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still not doing great - Jul.13.25: (tw: mentions of depression, ocd/hypersexual thoughts and rape) oh wow look whos back, i never update daily on here so this is weird for me in all my 3-about to be-4 years of neocities and blogging alongside that. i guess ive had a lot to say lately since ive even been spamming my twitter and tumblr account like crazy with my tamagotchi hyperfixation which is like super embarrassing i know but its helping me practice my art better than just drawing high schoolers (no offense goro akechi) so i guess its useful in some way lol. even if i wanted to avoid having online presence, who knows i might just deactivate again until i get better with art and honestly.. im considering it i wont lie. i have such a need for obscurity and people taking my seriously it enrages me when people just see me as untalented when i try really hard in everything i do since everything takes so much work for me more than regular people. i guess its the adhd and so many other things. i also really need to get off twitter and the internet in general, my hypersexuality has been flaring up these past days and idk if its due to confronting my trauma and my ocd just being ocd or its my period or possibly both but even the antidepressants im taking just stopped working and i feel so depressed and under the radar. mostly due to my hypersexuality like i stated like i know sadness wont go away but i can barely even tell whats sadness and depression tbh i feel like it feels so no different to me (what im feeling compared to depression) and its just me convincing myself the antidepressants are working but then again, it could all just be my period which tbh, it probably is the more i look at it but whatever i guess. hopefully the feeling just goes away. i just miss who i was before i just become all depressed. ive watched all my family members succumb to depression which i know i have some sort of post depression disorder, i was diagnosed with that before and i wouldnt be shocked if thats true so its probably genetic in both my mom and sisters aside from the abuse we all face, even from my mother but its just sad to see it even happen to me too. i want to be free from this one day like i finally want to smile again where it feels happy and not forced and i know that all sounds really corny but i have no better way to describe. i just wish the flowers could bloom like they used to, when the garden had rain not acid. i feel like all i am lately is just depressed and under the weather and constantly scared and angry with no purpose and then scared of my own anger. i dont even feel sexual feelings anymore like i used to when i was younger but then again i dont even know if i ever did truly feel sexual feelings or it was just my hypersexuality. ive been seeing lots of people talk about it and i know u shouldnt rely on people on twitter to tell or direct u to anything but ive already been told i have symptoms by my therapist and i really relate to others' experiences with it like a girl i saw today for example. im trying to see if i can be more open with my sexuality again like finally labeling myself as things i felt like ive known all along and still nothing but hopefully if i do ever feel anything its just pure and not due to my hypersexuality. that same girl said it was scary cuz it could even make u feel like you could say yes to sex even if u dont want it and ive always felt that way. my ocd/hypersexuality has even tried fantasized rape so "i could be less scared of it" which just sounds all twisted and fucked up but its true and its so wrong, i hate it. i just wish it could go back to when it was simple and i could just siimply enjoy things without feeling so pressured and down about how i feel. its like even with a less serious subject, its the same way i feel about art. i feel like i cant even create anymore without putting all these pressures on myself and just feeling like it sucks all the time like ugh depression is such a monster! and it sucks even more that this will never go away i just have to brace through it like why, havent i done enough already my god. and another thing that sucks, i was really excited for this summer to be it because it might be my last summer as a public school student and its almost over and its fucking sucked my god, my life is just so miserable! but i think ima go now, i kinda forgot my train of thought and i wanna try to see if i can get myself to draw some stuff, maybe edit too a little later. i just want to be productive and do the things that used to make be beaming with joy. om bye everyone now i dont know how to end this lol...
gold rush - taylor swift |
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a way to move forward - Jul.12.25: (tw: mentions of incestous sexual abuse) crazy starter i didnt even realize until i wrote it, sometimes i think of taking this blog/diary, basically a diary to blogspot and just treating that as my main place to dump all my stuff and dump whenever i want but then thats just me creating another instagram stories for myself, which im trying to avoid also because i wanna utilize this space for myself more instead of treating it all cutesy. i know i have more little lore stuff going on but i made this space as a place for me to be raw and let out my emotions positively and creatively but you never know. i switch up so easily on myself you'd be shocked, but! blogging is really terrible on my phone so maybe that wont be the case. ahhh idk its confusing but thats not why im here. ive been going through a lot these past days, i wrote about it in my old blog layout so it wont be shared here, i dont think (lets see if i really decide to keep this layout once and for all and eventually move all my previous entries to one place and all that) but to recap, recently i resolved some trauma at therapy surrounding my dad and the sexual abuse i faced from him as a child. to get to the point, i opened up to my sister about it today and i feel like really fucking good hahaha. i havent felt this free in a long time. it wasnt really affecting me much after the exercise we did to work out my trauma but just seeing the word inc*st and sexual abuse (alnst discourse, good lord) all over twitter had me thinking about a lot and just the way my therapist said "tell me about the sexual abuse you faced" really. hit like holy shit, im a victim. to my father no less, which isnt new i already knew that but not an incest victim. it just makes so much sense now seeing the way he treats my stepsister, like wow what a monster. it felt so good to open up about this because my trauma was validated by someone i trust a whole lot (my sister), i also felt like i had released something inside of me that was living unwanted for a very long time and that i felt like i finally validated why i hate my father so god damn much. i always knew he was a monster but never one of the evilest kind, i always knew he was a toucher but never one to touch me, i always suspected he forced my mother but i never thought he'd force me and it hurts so much more because i was so young i was barely conscious but i just have never found space in my heart to love him even after all the years that i grew passive and i grew more and more tolerant but i felt like such a monster for not truly loving him. the same thing with my mother, i just struggle with loving people easily like i love immensely just not easily and my mother would always tell me those sorts of things and i guess it got to me lol. but i finally found a reason that validated it for sure, for everybody. which also kinda sucks but then it sounds like my reasoning before was invalid which it never was and never will be but also it sounds like im just trying to please everyone in a way, which isnt the case either i just really wanted my sisters to open their eyes to what true kind of evil he is. that he abused me so young, led me in secretly when nobody was watching, told me not to tell anyone, that he would have fun when we would play fight like animals, just ugh, disgusting. and again, like i stated previously it hurts so much because i know its not my fault. i know thats not usually how it goes for most victims like me but thats the way i feel and thats valid too. but i just feel so strong and sad, of course my heart is broken and i dont think ill ever be able to see anything truly the same again after opening my eyes. i lived in oblivion for so long, not really knowing what happened to me but knowing it was wrong and then finally boom, im hit with this seriousness that this was something serious and had a horrible affect on me. that i can never feel sexual pleasure again no matter how much i try, that ive become so depressed i can barely feel which is a mixture of a lot of things combined no but this is also a factor, and i think a bigger factor in the sexual pleasure part. i cant even close my eyes and imagine scenarios without remembering, when i tried so hard to forget, its scary. i just wish people treated us victims more seriously, especially incest victims and i cant wait to make my own media so i can handle these horrible topics the way they need to be handled or the way i wish i saw them handled. u never see parents get slandered or truly slandered in media and it hurts me everytime cuz my parents have been nothing but monsters to me and ive just had to accept it all these years but i am almost an adult and i cant wait to make some big changes for myself and finally get tf out of this house for good. so i can one day just look at my father (and mother, who has also put me in some uncomfortable sexual situations too) like total strangers and just walk past them like nothing. so i can say that ive grown and im finally free. its a lot, it truly is and again, i dont think ill ever be the same after really seeing this for what it is but im glad i did because its important to face reality, in a healthy way. i hope im able to face more trauma throughout the course of these next few years, the ones child health insurance covers lol. but im sorta running out of ideas on what to talk to i think i dotted all i wanted to write for today, i share the story with my other sister tomorrow i think its time for me to truly face all this and put an end to all these weird feelings once and for all. ok thats it lol
hola - onew |
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a fresher start - Jul.06.25: this isnt even complete yet, still needs much improvement but im tired and i wanted to write some bullshit before i sleep. ive done this idk how many times to count, reworking the layouts until i find something thst clicks i would say "hey this has sorta clicked" but with how many cycles ive gotten through, i wouldnt bet on it so if anyone is reading this, it made it! if nobody ever does then,... im at a loss for words here. lemme just jump right into why exactly i wanted to write tonight, ive been feeling sad. but not depressed like usual, just sad. which is a shocker for me because thats a feeling i feel rather often but its weird to feel it in moderation. i dont know, i feel like my life is going by so fast ahead of me and i cant keep up. maybe its just growing at this age, maybe its just the passage of time but everything feels like its just passing me over when i didnt expect to feel this way about it, i expected myself to just accept it as i always have. like my sister just left on a trip across the whole planet (which she does every summer, idk why its just really hit me this year) which basically confirms summer will be practically over before i know and the main thing thats been on my mind for a while, i might be leaving high school next year. and i say might because i was planning on graduating early but heck, even if i dont graduate next year, i still only have two more years left, no matter what happens at this point im upperclassmen, scary. but this brings me to an inevitable crossroads because i want to leave high school in fact its something ive dreamed of all my life. to the point from a young age i already knew what career i wanted in life, and ive always wanted to go to college and maybe finally have a respectable social life, if one at all. things that ive always wanted more than anything are so close and i hesitate? i wonder why that is, i really cant seem to find a reason. if anything, its just my depression and nostalgia bug bugging me but idk, it feels bigger than that, it keeps me up at night. in such a way that it keeps u up just like those first day of any elementary schooling years, where u couldnt sleep til someone yelled at you and i just wonder, why? like thats seriously all i can ask. i really just wish i had somebody who can just remind me of my stance in life, to ground me. people i used to know who i cared so much for have all become strangers to me know and im just left all alone. and sometimes i look at this like its just a new beginning and maybe thats why its so hard but its just as hard to believe that ill just get granted a new beginning in the exact moment i needed one, which is what happened with covid but look at how that turned out lol. so maybe thats just what this all is, maybe ill look back in twenty years and maybe my fear wouldve been rational so maybe not, maybe my fear wouldve been completely misplaced on the wrong thing and ill wish to go back to my younger years like i do every year and yea, now that i see it for what it is, thats probably what itll be but idk i just find this all so hard to believe and maybe thats why im scared. scared that life will just let me continue without any hardships, that times as calm as they are rn will stay that. that ill get to keep a family member with me til i grow old, which is another fear of mine ive been having recently for some reason but anyways, yea its just things like that. i feel a little better after writing this but now im probably not gonna be able to sleep (ill fall asleep within 20 mins which is a good thing for me btw!) because it happens every night but ah it is what it is. well goodnight world, goodnight if anyone ever reads this lol.
forever - charli xcx |
Skyline
The pinnacle
When the mind has reached its climax, there is little to no way to express those emotions. To humanity, complexity is impossible but not in this world. In this world we know freedom and expression, no matter how little of sense it makes. When we reach the pinnacle, we must create. We must express but not only express, we must embrace. And everybody will know my words.