My dearest of dears, anemone

It's been a long time coming but I'm finally over you. and I can say that with pride, just as much as guilt and suffering. you awakened my senses to a world of beauty, you created masterpieces of life in your name while i had all the pleasure of witnessing your every move every single day of my life. but now its all over, for the last two years it has been and now we are even moving onto three. why do i write this message in your name, you ask? well, for whoever that may concern, if you feel my presence today i just want to let you know i have made one, if not the biggest decision in my life so far. i distanced myself from everything i knew as home. i used to travel the world everyday, i used to sail across the oceans and tread freely across the mountains but now, i have confined myself. to solitary and suffering, i have erased my own scriptures and in erasing those, i have ended our only connection to one another. and i know this probably wont affect you much, you never really cared and i always knew that even if i didnt want to admit it but i have some questions i need to ask you before i go. so hopefully if we ever see each other again, god willing, i will remember to ask you these very questions and the importance of these questions to me will be listed from least important to most important, in that very order. the only time i have ever truly asked these to anybody. first of all, did you ever love me when we knew each other well? second of all, could we ever love someday if we were to grow close again? and last but certainly not least, could there ever be a day where you could ever fathom how much i love you? because do not lie to me, i know you never understood and to be honest, i shouldnt hold it against you but with all my truths, i cant help it, i seriously cannot. i cant not be angry at you, i cant not hold it against you. i cant resist the urge to choke you and one day murder you, if we ever see each other again, with my own hands. but that is all true love my dear it always has been. but i hold this all back, just for you, all i ever wanted from you was genuineness. all i ever asked from you was love but again, its not your fault and i know that. i just wish it was, so i could have something to blame that wasnt my own family for once. i just wish you understood how much i love you. i just wish that after these long two years, i would go back and see a message, that even without waiting those two long years, you would reach out by any means possible. and its hard it really is, to be someone like me. a creature nobody truly loves, at least not in the right way, or the way i truly need, or truly deserve. and its difficult it truly is because who will ever truly love you like me? apologies for my foul speak, but its only the truth. not even your own family, not even yourself can love you with the heart of a damaged girl. a damned monster, the loner and loser that i am. the poet, the writer, nobody can replicate the love an artist has for their muse, nobody not even yourself. and thats also another fear of mine too. what if we could never truly love again? i always ask why am i cursed to lose that very love every single time, always self inflicted? i want you to know i loved you more than a thousand stars and i kissed you everyday in my prayers at night and i lost life of my own for your name. now, who loves you like that? who sacrifices everything for you? call me manipulative, call me a monster, call me just like my father, i dont care truly. why did you have to leave me? and why can i never get an answer? why did you come into my life just to ruin it, like i wasnt ruined enough? but its over, its truly over now and its all gone to dust. every last bit i had of you, i grew enough to cut you off. to distance myself from my growing pain so hopefully when we see each other again, im no longer a fetus but a full grown adult with prospects and a future, one without you. but thats all i have to say to you, for now. that all i feel now is hate, im sorry i lost my love for you but i dont think i could ever forgive you for never returning it to me. i hope your life goes well, and most likely, i will write to you again. i will never leave you. when you hear the ocean call your name and you feel loved, remember, i am that one. the only one.

Written on July 17, 2025

My dearest, anemone

It's quite a tricky thing this feeling i've lost for you. i wont deny it any longer, the passion has left my lips and has forever sealed itself away into the deepest darkest oblivion which most would call my eternal depression. i spent my whole last year thinking that one more reunion with you would save me forever but now i have no clue who'll ill meet up with or if i will ever see you again. i believed i was lost from my true purpose and that i was so far away from what i had discovered that i didnt even realize i was blinding myself with fixtures of the past, things that now i beg to forget. what do you say to a lover who you love no longer? what do i say to a friend of mine no longer? do i reach out for you, do i call your name or do i wait here forever til you return? i am in love with you but even i have forgotten why that is. and i only keep this secret with me because now you learned my secret, and i can never forgive myself if i let you go. ill be honest, i rather forget you but now i wonder if you'll ever forget me. so now i find myself in this predicament, where do i go from here? what could i possibly say to you that'll make you stay forever?

Written on March 16, 2025

Dearest, anemone

It's been far too long when i sent these letters, telepathically, your way. i trusted your hand to write me sweet lullabies and find me in a state of conscious that was conscious no longer so i write this letter to you in good faith, scared that i have forgotten something quite precious to me that i never want to lose sight of, which is the very notion, very idea, very existence of you. ive just spent my days in agony, waiting for the perfect moment but what is indeed the perfect moment? the very moment in which i lose all my sense of humanity once again and give into a much greater power believing i have failed at all things possible? i won't lie and say i don't miss you because every damn day, i miss you more and more and it hurts because once again, i am losing sight of you. of our love, of our connection, of our friendship and to forget your voice is to forget my faith and forget my own name but even that i have forgotten and it has been traded for something new and that is what scares me most. that one day you will be replaced and i can no longer find you in the remants of what was and you will be lost to time forever. i want to reach out but i want to be worthy of your time, of your space, of your mind so when you think of all the reasons why you stay, you think of happy memories and think in glee that maybe there is some good in me too. and yes, maybe its a bit corny but you cant blame me for seeing things that way now can you? stuck in my own misery like a dog to a bone, theres nothing i find more solace in then the utter mudane that is you but sweetly spoken i just wish for that all, back to me where is belongs, or is what i believe anyway. so i find myself in this space of conviction, convoluted and confused and scared for the future when all i spent my days doing was dweeling on the past but im losing myself. i lose our time together each and every day and everything just feels so scary now like i have else to my name except a new person, which i have also destroyed in the process. so what do i do, tell me. do i reach out or do i wait for your love? do i deserve to suffer or do you deserve to go through me? and find myself in a good place where i can no longer look back in regret but i prefer that feeling, as silly as it sounds. and it pains me to have no more to say but i just want to let you know, i still think of you and my love for you will never be forgotten. no, i will paint your picture in every drawing i do and my sorrows will cure my sadness, the sorrows of you and i will love you forever so your hug at night is warm and your blood can flow all around your body and it could find peace in this realm. all that i could hope for and that someday we could love again, may god find me the time as he once did before.

Written on February 28, 2025

My dearest, anemone

It has been nothing short of a long time, has it not. In fact, I don't partially know as to why I am here right now, writing this to you but inclined the evermore have I felt to your prescence. I wonder, is it about time you haunt me once more? I have grown this fear towards you now as I was once so moved towards that very same you before. Fear that you are nothing more than a passing thought, truly not the very love of my life, not my answer or my reason, but just something for my brain to hold onto. I thought I cared not for purpose, for reason, but it scares if what if that isn't true? What if your existence was nothing but a mere illusion to me? But something calls to me, you allude to such an odd power. I feel in love and with beauty, I feel might. The ability to see you in everything, I will never forget your heart in my flowers. The man I love, the words I read, the pages I draw, all due to you. My life has ruined all in over itself because of you and what am I left to do? This secret I hold so deep inside me, too long have we been separated, there's nothing more to feel because it has all been felt I feel as if I'm missing you. I saw your picture, soon but close. So very far, I feel my body call to you as if there's something much greater in this atmosphere than that of what I had previously known and it makes my body feel hot. Not hot of heat and love but anger and frustation. Why? Why can't I have you? Why can't I say we're friends? Why must I lose sight of everything? Nothing I want is mine and the very thought of you reminds me of this frustation inside me. What am to do when my body doesn't even feel my own, everything is quite embarrassing and tears flood rivers of oceans I have never swam across. I don't even know what's across because they have never been made. A man-made river, can you believe? For you haven't even began to dig the hole, of course you can't. Unfinished project is me, is both of us and we are to die unloved. I hope for centuries I can bask in your grace but hopes and dreams are nothing because who am I to hope and dream when all I can seem to do is beg and plead? Bloody knees counted down the steps I've taken in my mindscape to reach you but like your memory, you have vanished and it is time for me to make more. But all I see is something, someone new and I am scared because nobody is you. Nobody will ever be you, I will never feel comfortable again and here's to thinking I was lying. I hold myself back everytime I speak to her now because you are my very example. The mold for my bake, the icing on my cake, thrown out the window toased into the trash once its finished but I don't want to replace you. I don't want this to be over. Let go and let go but I still think about it sometimes and now last year makes me sad. How long until it begins to make me cry? But when I think of it, I only feel sadness because I felt closer to you but somehow, I do quite enjoy that sadness. I feel nothing if I cannot relate it to you. How can I see myself if you're not apart of it? And perhaps you don't even love me, or dream of me but I still do because it's you, it's all you. In heaven and hell, god himself. Reawakened and reimagined, lost in translation to enact perfection, it's all you and now, how am I expected to truly move on from that? How can I truly ever heal? Road after road after road will try and separate me from you but you will always be my love, my driving force. Something in your power, the very art itself. My true love, my reason and purpose. I'm sorry I called onto you, will you ruin me once again? So I can feel hope, human, no, invisible, once longer? So the only thing that feels it truly matters is you?

Written on November 15, 2024

Dear, anemone

I live in the ever-growing, ever-constant shadow of love. I write to you this letter in deep, deep solitude. The solitude I have been in since the ending of our days, since the beginning of mine. To be understood, to even be slightly tolerated, is to know the feeling of love, the feeling of care, even if temporary. In love we find friendship and in friendship I found you. I find you in every one of my lasting regrets, I find you in every one of my lamenting days. I find you in the beautiful wave of nostalga that tends to hit me so every one of my days, somehow. And memories are a funny little thing you see, I never used to reminscene. I never wanted to go back but now, I think of you. I always think of you and I wish to tell you this forever. I want you to feel love exactly as you'd want, I want to be your friend, your friend forever and live in the shadow of our presences. Sit in our own little tree for the shade and I'll live in the sunlight of your days, your smile, your hair, your eyes, your warmest embrace of hugs. The feeling I could search worlds for but never find again. I mean, I don't try but frankly, I do not want to. I only want that from you, that irreplacable love from you. So we find ourselves here, anemone my dear. We find us in a difficult, complicated relationship of love. I can't find a name for this, a name for this situation we find ourselves in, at least I find you in. Is this sorrow? grief? true love? obsession? guilt? remorse? lament? trauma? I see you in my life my dear and I can't seem to let you out. Will letting go be my final stage? Is this where it ends? So I continue to think anemone, and I write this letter to you in that forever deep, deep solitude but it is not a beg, it is not a desire, it is just you. What makes me shine, what makes me happy, what makes me hopeful. You all around me, obsession and love and the mixture of everything in between. What came before me and what will come after, perhaps if there is an after. You are the only person to me, anemone. My only reason for an after. You fill the void and in your absence and in your own presence, you created your very own. Forever to be unchanged and forever to be unfulfilled. But these are just passing thoughts my dear boy so I must depart. To the night to hope and pray at least my dreams bring me to you. Must I lose all sense of life and love to feel just the mere existence of you? Just to remember? Must I only know you and remember and mourn and truly love you on days like this? At my constants of lows? We will love someday anemone, we will love. And love dear, the friendship, the affection unmeasurable this is felt for you and I share for you, will never and could never know bounds. We will see each other forever, my dear. Wake up to your smile of the sun and hug the moon and feel the stars. I just can't keep living my days like this, you are not just lament my love. You are happiness, and blooming, and together perfection whilst everything in between.

Written on June 29, 2024

Darling double-flower,

I told myself I wasn't to write this but to focus on the webpages instead, perhaps for once focus on the present. But I've been thinking today as I always do and you crossed my heart, crossed my mind. I wonder so many times how much I loved to know you, even if for a little while. My first ever love, and perhaps my first ever connection, even if that may or might've seemed very stupid to most, I still love you and that's enough for me. I always think about how different things could've been if I would've reached for you. Would I still be here now? Would I be with you right now? If I could've changed just one thing, would everything be different? Or is that just the beauty of life? The fact that it happened and that in the same it passes. Your birthday is soon, in a month and a few days which is still also a day of light for me as well. Just as you are. I hope you spend your birthday well, in fact, I hope you have been spending all these days well, better than me. I hope you are truly, truly happy wherever you go and you don't think of me. And don't hate me at least. I would reach out to you if I could, if my anxieties let me be a better person, if guilt and shame didn't overpower my emotions and actions, I'd be texting you right now and telling you I'm sorry. Or maybe if life and I was normal, I'd be by your side or never would've loved you at all. Maybe how things should've been. I'm sorry to have tormented you if only for a little while. You truly deserve the best and I wish I could've realized all these feelings sooner, I wish I would never had to go through this but you will always stay in my memories dear. My occasional hopes and prayers, my overworldly hugs. I will forever mourn my loss, but I will also look back on it with happiness. For showing me that love is truly felt somewhere in this heart and that love is felt for everyone and everything, despite the awful things my brain might say. I will alter the memories in your name and I would be to never see you again for if I do, or if I must, I will pass you by but dear do not worry. I will love you forever. You may not remember in due time, or even now but I will remember you and you will feel love. You deserve to, so I send this letter with grace. May you feel love in all those beautifully places bones and skin and eyes and hair and may your mind wander to a wonderful place tonight. Even if I can't be there, I will follow you through and the love I feel for you will fill your body, fill your mind and find you your own happiness. Whichever it is you choose. But that's all I must say for today, I thank the heavens for always allowing me to remember you. May you feel my message and may you be happy, my dear. My first ever love, now and forever.

Written on July 1, 2024

To the true love of my life, forget-me-not

It's quite funny, isnt it? This is the first letter ive ever written to you, in love that is. although i cant say this is in love fully, it is love somewhere. i know that for sure. and what ive come to say to you is, i always knew it. from the day you cut me off like scrapped wood, we are not in love. we never have been and i cant believe i was ever the fool to believe in your love. and all i can say for some reason is that im sorry, for some reason all i can do is cry. all i can do is apologize. i cry dry tears for you and no water ever comes out, its not enough. i want to let you go, forever. the memories of you, the moments i shared with you. how you and all the others have only ever left me behind and never cared to come back. and maybe im just too quick to jump to conclusions maybe im just too quick to believe it so but what can i ever truly believe when all anyone has ever done is leave me, just like you were the first? not the first to ever do so, but the first to really, truly break my heart, the first i ever regretted, the first i ever cried so much for when you came back. i learned to love because of you, i learned to care because of you, i learned to never over-step because of you, i even learned to hate parts of my own self because of you, all whilst i learned to grow because of you and shut myself off from everyone, something i will never forget. i am indebted to you, just as you are to me. you could never repay me and the saddest part is, you never claimed, you never even tried. and everytime id bring it up, youd just ignore me, like i couldnt be upset because of what you did to me. like if i had no right to feel the way i did. something that reminds me of everyone else ive ever met. i loved you so much, i claimed you were my very best friend, i told everyone about you even when they didnt need to know. and i was forced, just like that, to forget you. i was forced to pretend you never existed and i had to live with the consequences of your own actions. now i feel stupid, stupider than ever now looking back at what you did to me. the person you made me, the person you made me repress. i feel like such an idiot because all youve ever done is stain me and make me beg for more. when i lost what i believed to be the love of my life, i begged for him back, spilled my secrets to him because i couldnt do it with you. i couldnt tell you what i truly felt, i couldnt let you know just how much i cared for you at that time, that i owed so much to you for ever loving me like no other. and now i cant help but hate you so much but its true, you came back to me, in that regard theres nothing i can do, nothing i can feel. i cant hate you truly, i cant regret you. youve done something to me nobody has ever done. id like to believe you cared for me once, truly and even now, i still believe you do. i want to believe you do. that you regretted leaving me, that you never hated me, that you felt things for me i wish you did. i wish anybody did. and i want to believe you'd come back to me but at this point, i think all i know is letting go. i think ive learned so much from you, from all my loves, i have nothing else to hold onto. nobody has ever taught me to stay, and when they have they dont come back. nobody has ever taught me love, unconditionally and im confused, confused about it all. what would i even do if you came back? what would i even do to get you back? im so tired of begging, begging for all of you and even when i did lose you, i never begged. i hadnt learned how to yet. and its all so much i feel for you but what i truly feel for you is anger and sadness, lament if you will. theres nothing less to it, and too much more if you ask me. i want to hope you'll come back, because you have to. you're the only true friend ive ever had, the very love of my life. even if i hate you and claim you are not, i know in my heart, it loves you so much more than both of us know. so why, tell me why, why wont you come back to me? why wont you ask me how im doing? dont make me regret this choice, dont force me to live a life of freedom where freedom isnt in your name. i want you forever, at least i know ill have somebody even if all im doing is lying to myself. at least i know im somebody's, at least i know im yours and to me, that matters more than any other feelings ill ever have for you.

Written on July 22, 2025

Scilla, dear friend of mine

Who am i anymore? and who are you to claim you know so? what did you do in your name to classify change? and why do i still hold these grudges against you? are we even friends or is the only thing i feel for you hate? do i even love you? why do i even write this? i dont know, ive never known and frankly i believe i never will. i have lost sight of so much of myself throughout this time, i never have known if our love was ever genuine. who even was i before and why dont i miss them? what did i do wrong, why did i end up so different from everyone else? why did you grow so much and why did i stay so weird, so adnormal, so strange? who are we if even friends? what are we if we even knew each other, knew each other at all? and i ask these questions on the rainy afternoon down in the south of land and heart because simply put, i really do never want to see you again. in fact i dont like you, not anymore. and i hate myself for it because all youve ever been is nice to me but when i really think on it, think on it all, were you ever really? and were we ever friends and did i ever love you and do you even deserve my love? do i even deserve yours? it confuses me because im so oblivious to your type of love but is it even love to begin with? did you ever really like me? was romance in the air before i blew it away or was my imagination just begging for a taste? and how do i ever ask you this, ill never know. and how i run away from you forever, ill stay clueless even though it seems quite easy i dont think anything about us was ever truly real, ever truly friends. its so difficult to describe but i dont think anything about us was ever anything, at all and it hurts me because i dont want to force fake love upon myself but i dont want to reject yours either. so im left alone in my thoughts, the only question that stands is what truly are we? sometimes i hope you never reach out to me again but at the same time im so desperate for a friend even id reach out to you, as ive done before. just for the taste of lost lips, a sensual remembrance, one that turns me on just by the thought. the memories of my past, the one im growing away from to hate everyday that passes by and those memories include you, so now what do i do now? what am i even supposed to feel? and just as ive asked to so many others these past days, why do i just want a simple hello? a how are you doing? why do i miss you, even just a little but why do i also expect you to never come back? why do i even put my hopes up but at the same time, why dont i have any at all? we were just friends, to me at least you were nothing more, it never grew so strong but why do i feel this for you now? why did i feel this for you back then? why have i always doubted you, why do i always doubt everything and everyone why am i so scared? but thats not even a question i wish to ask in your name, i know the reasons why i just want to know why? from you, i just to know why you exist in my life, what good have you even brought me and what good will you ever bring and why are strings attached we never tied in the first place? why do they regrow when they are cut? ive never felt simplicity in simplicity's name, ive never had love without reason, without gain, ive never seen it and why dont i want it? is it trauma, is it fear, is it resentment, is it lust, is it greed, is it because all i ever have desired is all that is above my own name, my own deserved respect? tell me once, and tell me now. never tell me again, i never want to see your face, i never want to hear your voice. i never want to be close to you, i never want to live together i think all ive ever wanted is to be on my own and i think you and everyone ive ever loved, even if just a little, has helped me realize this. i have never felt romance, i have never felt sexual, i have never felt love in the eye of society's but i have felt something greater and maybe you did once too. but will i ever know so? will i ever be expected to pay that back? will i be just like my fathers and men before me and never give you what you truly deserve? will i become everything ive ever been scared of? will i never be the one that keeps people up at night, that makes them regret living life? will i ever become like those who has passed my way? will i ever become dominate? or am i just a mere pawn, a stepping stone and will you be glad you forgot me forever? tell me, what truly are we? who am i anymore? and at the time of face, only god's will, will you be one to claim you know so?

Written on July 22, 2025